Then and now...

In our lives, at every point: we are pushed towards the next thing. There’s the next task, the next responsibility. Then there’s the push to achieve and of course the push to relax. It’s all purpose, all push, all the time! But with all this doing—with all this pushing—and regardless of it labeling it as “good” or “bad” is there more to life than doing… than pushing?

I’m currently in a master’s program; I am a student again. Something that is noticeably different in my experience now is: When I first went to high school I dropped out. I was in a rush to get on with playing music and to living my life as a jazz musician. Then, when I went to university as a mature student, I was in a rush too; often frustrated with my experience. What was common to both of these experiences was something I did not realize at the time which was: if I didn’t feel good in the experience I wanted to get out. And this made sense, I felt bad in these places and wanted to get to my life, to live my true life! So what’s changed?

The main difference in being in school now at 48 vs. 14 (the age I started high school) and 34 (the age I started university) is: I realize the future is now. I realize this is it: there is nowhere to go. And as confining as that once seemed (and still at times does feel) there is another feeling which emerges: one of liberation. When we realize we have nowhere to go, we have come to know where we are.